#17 | typicals
my therapist pointed out today that I keep focusing on how she's feeling when we should focus on my feelings. all I could say was what I've been saying already: I feel sad, I feel hurt about how this happened, I feel like a failure. I was trying really really hard and she didn't see that, and she also projected her frustration with expressing feelings onto me and said it was my fault. feelings that are very elemental, pure, seemingly unchangeable. I don't resent her, but she painted a picture of our relationship that is inaccurate - one in which she did all the labor and I was merely a passenger.
and what can I do? that's what I keep wondering. I wish I had actionable things to fix myself, apart from the typical. finding a new apartment. rebuilding. I cannot do anything with this feeling other than follow the script of a typical breakup's aftermath: write about it, talk to my friends about it, go to therapy, and fill my free time with things that bring me joy. eventually, it's supposed to fade into the background, and so will she. it just doesn't feel right to move forward when there's so much left here. I absolutely despise the feeling that this is just like any other separation. that's how it goes, though - everyone thinks they're an exception to the rule.
when she broke up with me, she even said, think about the advice you were giving your friends when they went through their breakups; we shouldn't be friends. why can't anyone see how unimaginably different this is? that she's my chosen family, and her meaning is inexplicably tied with mine? it's not fucking simple, and it's lonely. I wish I could walk into a field of grass and cry under the winter sun, without anyone else to find me.