#20 | empty
tw: suicide/self harm. I'm fine though
I've slid backwards. Everything actually hurts more intensely than it ever has, potentially because my brain is emerging from shock and has determined that it's now adequately prepared to feel, even though I'm still struggling with apartment hunting and feeding myself. It's a week where I feel like my body has a deep wound that won't stop bleeding, and I also don't want it to. I want it to continue until I'm pale and dizzy and unconscious and finally sink into the ground, so I don't have to force myself through this process. I haven't sobbed so uncontrollably since I was nineteen. I woke up an hour before my alarm, eyes puffy, after a dream where my friend's mom shot herself in front of me. In every dream, my ex either rejects me again or someone dies.
I have to hold so many feelings inside my head that I can only think in black and white. I'm numb but also incredibly tender, any small thing making me burst into tears. I'm full of so much sadness and forgiveness and empathy but also building anger and resentment. I'm exhausted but still have random bursts of energy. My therapist says eventually my brain will be able to stop thinking in extremes and be able to settle with what is likely true, which is somewhere in the middle. Extremes are convenient, she said.
When I finally have a new apartment and we are untethered by a shared lease, I just know that I'll fall to my knees and sob and sob and sob. Because nothing will be tying us together besides our history, which means nothing to her given how cruel she's been—an assessment I have made knowing it's irrational and unfair, but one that I have made regardless. It'll be a burden lifted off my shoulders that at once releases me and also makes me feel so incredibly, officially empty. (In reality, I am sure my friends/family will be there with me and they'll order takeout and sit with me.)
I can't wait for all of this to be over. I know this misery will end, is what I have to keep telling myself. Nothing lasts forever, not love nor sadness.