#23 | worksheet
Let's realistically think about whether I'm ready to be her friend.
The case for no:
Risk of blurred lines. We were friends for a few years prior to dating, so I have an idea of what it would be like. I know that getting there is possible, but would require restraint. If I fail, I create an uncomfortable power dynamic and put my mental state in her hands. I cannot be selfless and say I'll do whatever she needs—not because I can't handle it, but because if I'm emotionally distressed, I simply won't be a good friend. I need to be attuned to my own needs, which are still ever-changing, and in this moment are validation and communication, neither of which she can give me. I think the most involvement I could do would be something light every few weeks.
Risk of pain. For example, I would instinctively feel upset if I found out she were beginning to date other people. It would reopen some wounds and I would probably take it personally. That being said, it's a very unlikely scenario. Her life is upended and she hates casual dating. Still, I should be prepared for it. The thing is, I don't really want to try dating or hooking up with other people right now either, so I'm not in a rush to do that in an effort to get over this. Life's still too fucked up and it wouldn't be good for me or others. In these moments, I just want to focus on myself, so I should probably just try to accept, even if unlikely, that she might try to see other people and I don't need to take it as something about me. We considered non-monogamy at one point, so this one isn't actually as big of a stretch as it might seem.
Avoiding selfishness and feeding ego. Am I doing this to make myself feel better about her not wanting me in her life while she's in acute grief? There is an insecure, damaged part of me that still craves validation for being a good person. If that is the primary reason, it's dangerous and not enough. I need to be in a place where I'm healed enough to be secure in who I am and what I offer as a friend and partner.
The case for yes:
Unconditionality. When we were just friends, we talked a lot about how our bond was so important that we didn't need anyone or anything else. My friendship with her is not conditioned on whether we are romantically involved. If we are able to set and enforce healthy boundaries, that part of our bond does not need to end. Again, I regard her as my family. That is why I have been unable to be fully angry or resentful; I understand her deeply and fiercely cherish her, even when others are confused by her actions in an effort to protect me.
What she brings to my life and vice versa. She's always been someone who encourages me to follow my interests and do new things, and I do the same for her. We validate each other, listen to each other, catch each other, help each other grow. Is any of this absolutely irreplaceable? You could say no. I'm rapidly trying to deepen my community in new york because she was everything to me in terms of making me feel completely seen and heard. It is possible, but it's easier with her around.
Capabilities. I actually think we are pretty good at communicating boundaries and a healthy friendship is something within grasp. Our relationship was very communicative until the last couple months, and I don't blame either of us for that—I blame the circumstances. That being said, I have to keep reminding myself that everyone thinks they and their ex are the exception to the rule.
Wrong motivations
Proving her wrong, assuaging my own guilt, or stroking my ego.
Right motivations
Providing both of us with the support and growth we want (which could mean continuing to not be in contact for a while).
Possibilities I need to prepare for
That she could not want to be friends at all. That she could insist that I failed her. That she could amend her prior open-ended statements to say she never, ever wants to be with me again.
Conclusions
I need more time to figure out what I actually want in life, and what I'm capable of. That will be clearer once I move to my own apartment. Going into my next talk with her (which we scheduled to be sometime early next year), I need to be ready to accept and not be hurt by whatever she could say, which requires being secure and also adequately detached from her.
Today, I went out for lunch with my family friend and my sister. We went to an Indian buffet and stuffed ourselves with food. The server asked how we know each other, and we asked him to guess. His conjecture was that my sister and friend were married, and I was my friend's brother (I'm masculine-presenting at the moment). We laughed, and then he showed us his Punjabi rap videos and talked about how there is no past or future, there is only now. If you want to be a musician, you need to be a musician in the present and make music every day. Trueeeeee bro. Then he started talking about God and lost me a little, and he later DM'd my sister on instagram to confirm whether she's married or not. Shoot your shot I guess.