#25 | rocks
the things I can’t bring myself to do yet:
- unfollow her on apple music or letterboxd; surely art is neutral and I won’t look too deep into what she’s listening to or watching?
- throw away any letters or gifts, no matter how small
- stop thinking about things I regret not doing or saying
- stop mentioning her in every conversation as if she’s still half of me
- stop seeing her in everything and how much she would or wouldn’t like something
In Nature Things Merely Grow by Yiyun Li mentions the need to distinguish between thoughts that are pebbles and thoughts that are immovable boulders. To not allow pebbles to be made into boulders. Some things are not meant to be dwelled upon. They are small insecurities and not big enough to block your path. The pebbles in my grief (it being all my fault, jealousy of her friends being more needed in this time, things I should or shouldn’t have done) are valid but ultimately can be kicked aside. I cannot spend my days ruminating on pebbles. The boulders are where my attention is needed, being: packing. Moving. Becoming a more secure person. Finding more hobbies and committing to them. Deepening my community.