#29 | trying
On Saturday, I went to Flushing by myself. I got potstickers, took a stroll around the mall, and then picked up some street food to bring as a snack for my friend's Christmas party. At the party, I coasted and maintained normalcy. It wasn't a conscious effort, but then I caught up with someone I hadn't seen in maybe six months. He asked me what's been new in my life, and I tried to tell him about the latest in a couple sentences. Still, I didn't cry. I maintained a facade of normalcy for a couple more hours. My edible hit and I was really enjoying a vegan chopped cheese from the deli down the street.
The party died down to just the close friends and hosts. One of them was trying to be positive and asked if I was excited to move next week. I violently shook my head and then crumpled over, holding my face to hide and hope that the heat behind my eyes would go away, but it didn't. Everyone try to cheer her up! he said to the close friends that were still around. He put my legs on his lap and massaged them. Someone queued up the stupid cantina theme song from star wars. People being nice almost made me cry harder; the tears wouldn't stop. Eventually I quietly got up and went to my friend's room where I sobbed on the floor, surrounded by other guests' winter coats. A couple friends came to check in.
I don't have answers to anything, I choked out, rocking back and forth. Every day, I'm surprised I can even wake up. I'm so empty. I've known her since I was eighteen. I've spoken to her every day for five years. I spend every waking moment looking at things from different angles, but I still can't figure it out. I don't know what I did to make her decide that I was completely incapable of going through this with her. It doesn't make sense to me; I must be stupid.
Then you didn't do anything, they said. This terrible thing happened and she is confused and hurting and having difficulty explaining herself. Maybe she also just doesn't want to pull you into it. But even now, you are doing what you're supposed to do: pass time.