#30 | pushing
I've been reading Anxiously Attached by Jessica Baum, which describes both anxious and avoidant attachment styles more generously than Attached. Something the author wrote that resonated with me was that avoidant people did not have proper outlets for emotions growing up, so they had to push them very very far away and not process them. Attempts to access those feelings can be fearsome or hostile because the pain is so overwhelmingly intense/raw that there is no other way to survive than to keep it at a distance. She compartmentalized so well that she could still be a good partner to me and handle my emotions, while not often delving into her past with me in return. I didn't demand that she open up to me about the past and she didn't need or want to. I didn't see that as a requirement to feel close to her; she did so much else for me and she still came to me often enough that I could sense her close regardless.
But under stress, did pushing her feelings away also perhaps prevent me from reaching her? To be loved is to be known, right? For a long time, I did know her, but eventually my attempts to connect with her stopped being answered—not through any fault of hers, but the way she learned to survive. And it hurt so much in the moment because I thought that after being patient with her opening up over the course of our long relationship, I would be the one person she could trust in a situation like that. I didn't understand why she was pulling away, so in anguish I was pushing her harder to tell me and help me get it.
I know it's not simple, and I couldn't have saved this from happening; I'm not a mental health professional. Even her therapists didn't help her become aware of this or give her tools to address it, perhaps because she's so good at keeping up appearances. I wish I could just tell her all of this and communicate that if she ever does want to process bit by bit, I'm still someone that knows her; we're not strangers overnight. I won't say that I know what she's been through at all, but I've always been someone that wants to know her on her terms.
My friends think that she'll be upset if I put any of this into words, and she needs to come to this conclusion on her own. But part of me feels like I'm in a much more stable position than I was last time we spoke. We generously gave each other lots of space and time to process, which I think says a lot about how we feel towards each other. I know she respects and cares for me enough still where maybe she'll even feel seen and understood if I bring it up. Maybe it will help her. It's hard to say, really.