#34 | extrication
In the wake of my first breakup, I collected all possessions related to him and left them in my childhood home. The objects: A nametag he stole from a jewelry shop with me. A rubber ducky. A hoodie I used to wear that he said looked really cute on me. A holiday card of us he drew with crayons, apologizing for getting me sick but saying how grateful he was for our time together. All of it fit neatly inside of a brown paper bag that I left on a bookshelf for a few years, slowly forgetting about its existence until one day I visited home and opened it back up, either returning the objects to their place in my life or tossing them out.
The problem with a 5-year relationship is that it could never fit inside of a bag. I started a collection under my bed with a plushie, some photos and cards, and a couple other small objects. But if I stow away everything in my life that she ever touched, sometimes I feel like I wouldn't have anything left. Even though I didn't plan to, I'm currently wearing two articles of clothing that she gave me. My phone case is one of a pair with our anniversary date on it, covered in stickers from events that we attended together. My backpack has three keychains, all of which were either gifted by her or purchased with her standing next to me. Should I really put this all away? I had originally given up and resolved not to, but when unpacking in my new apartment, I turned to my friend and said, Her presence is everywhere, all the time. This, this, that. Should I really put it all away?
I guess you should just try, he said.
Two hoodies, two pairs of pants, a few pairs of socks, a few ceramics, a few candles, a few keychains and stickers and prints. My phone case. These simple things, sure, I can retire for the time being. What about my piano, which I paid for, but she helped me find on facebook and lug home from the east village one humid night in august? What about the mattress I sleep on, which is actually originally hers? What about the used gaming PC she found on xiaohongshu for me, that we switched off carrying back home, but really she wound up doing most of it, because she had stronger arms? And then there's the furniture. It goes on and on. It's impossible for me to expel her impact on my life, because she was around for about 30% of it, and it also feels downright wasteful to do so. I would sooner radically accept her presence than erase it entirely.
I can replace the mattress though, I don't like it very much. lol. I prefer extra-firm.
I remember my mom stumbled upon my other ex bag once and found the hoodie I stuffed in there. She was the person who originally bought it for me. What's this doing here? she asked. I explained that it reminded me of him. Who cares! she said. It's yours.