#44 | tonight
tw suicidal thoughts
spent the day in a suicidal brain fog. lately it feels like my life is just over and nobody will ever love me the way she did, not even myself, and I have nothing to live for. the amount of self hatred was so intense, like standing in the ocean and suddenly getting hit with a wave that has you on your toes. it's the darkest I've felt in a long time. 4 months in and things just keep sinking deeper and deeper. the denial lasted for a while, keeping me afloat. now I'm just fucking depressed, dissociated, and occasionally suicidal.
I've made some progress on filling my free time. I've been emailing a couple of Chinese restaurants about part-time work and it seems promising. Yesterday, I seasoned my wok and cleaned my humidifier and wrote that blog post to juice my brain dry. Today, I went to a shop I'd wanted to check out and then bummed around ktown with a friend. I wanted to check out a trendy restaurant that quoted a 2-hour wait, so we burned time by checking out a pool hall. 'do you wanna get drunk?' he said. uhhhhhhh, yeah. lol. but then my stomach rumbled, so I ordered french fries to inhale between shots of soju and turns of pool. didn't really get drunk—just tipsy enough to talk more shit and win two games. I should stop drinking to deal with emotions. it's never good. but it honestly still doesn't exceed once a week, so I think I'm okay.
when we finally got to eat, we chatted about our weeks for a while. then I smiled and said, I'm so depressed. he laughed and said, yes. he gently dismantled the anger building inside of me about how much I've begun to hate that male friend of hers and how it feels like she was just so cruel to me. he affirmed that yes, a lot of men find my ex attractive. she's a really sweet, cool, and beautiful person. that male friend of hers has indeed said some suspicious things, but he seems like a good person and it's nice that my ex is supported right now. I shouldn't worry too much about it beyond that. he also said that although it feels like she was cruel to me, maybe she said those things because I'm the kind of person who needs an explanation, and she was just saying whatever she could to push me away and be alone. it's less pointed in that regard, I suppose... I don't know. I still feel so hurt by it. would it have been easier if she said even less?
he did say everything I feel about gender dysphoria and feeling recognized is not something he felt comfortable commenting on as a straight cis man but it seemed valid lol. I've kept saying the whole situation has layers of fucked up gay stuff but it's only now starting to sink in. she told me she sometimes regretted coming out to her family, that she felt guilty and responsible for everything. I think we both know it wouldn't have made a difference. it was hard to imagine a universe where I hid all my things and crashed on a friend's couch for a week while her parents came to stay. she was just so tired of hiding; she would have been very unhappy.
sometimes I wonder how things would be if we never met. did I ruin her life? has she ruined mine? I don't think so.
i miss our cats so much.