#55 | pride
this week was hard. over the last couple months, I've really burned myself out on social activity. I've relied on friends and work to keep me mentally sane, but my body finally called for rest. I started pmsing, so my back hurt and I felt bloated, fatigued, and emotionally turbulent. last month, I was working at the restaurant and forced my way through it, but this month I really needed to slow down. it's funny how even when you know you're experiencing hormonal emotions, you can't stop them. the moods aren't any less real just because they're physiological.
monday through wednesday passed in a frenzy of:
- overtime at work, because the project I've worked on for a whole 18 months is finally launching Monday!!
- catching up on the latest season of rupaul's drag race. my ex and I used to watch it together. last year, my friends joined us for watch parties, but they never got completely invested the way she and I were, and didn't seem that interested in watching this year. this season has been really good so far because most of the queens are over 30 and have very unique personalities.
- rearranging things in my apartment. I haven't been gaming much, partially due to Depression but also because my new place is small and I've been keeping my electric keyboard on my desk. I'm finally selling my dresser tomorrow, so I can properly set up the keyboard :) in the process, I bought an over-door shoe rack, and also a tension rod and blackout curtains to help with my sleep. the real problem with my sleep is definitely anxiety, but blackout curtains won't hurt either lol.
by the time thursday rolled around, I felt recharged and made time for people that I knew would be easy to talk to. I got dinner with my close friend and watched shitty reality tv with him. on friday, I caught up with my previous housemate who is going through the end of a long-term relationship as well, and we had a good talk about how in a breakup it's easy to convince yourself that someone doesn't care about you, but it's rare that there's actually enough evidence to prove that to be the case, especially compared to the years that you spent together.
today (saturday), my close friend and I picked up my new closet organizer and went to our favorite pasta restaurant. we typically go once a week, but almost 3 weeks had passed due to work and travel schedules, so a visit was overdue. I love their spaghetti. spaghetti is such a comfort meal for me. my mom told me I used to eat it so fast that sauce would splatter on the wall next to my chair. anyway, my friend and I go so often to this restaurant that we recently started rating our visits and logging the days/times—because it's always good, but there are some days that the food is superb, and we're wondering if it's due to certain chefs on shift being super good or just customer traffic. today was a 9/10, maybe because it had just opened 20 minutes prior.
after lunch, we stopped by a thrift store and a faded steel blue, vintage cropped carhartt jacket caught my eye. it fit my body perfectly; oversized but didn't make me look like a garbage bag. gender affirming as fuck. it's very hard for me to find stuff like that! unfortunately, it was $350. I promised myself I would instead buy lots of clothes when I go thrifting in the Haight in a month. and then we walked two blocks away and bought $9.5 kinako cold foam matcha lattes instead. that's new york for you. and you know what? it was really fucking tasty.
later, I stopped by a 'home cafe' hosted by a new friend of mine. they live about 1.3 miles from me, so I decided to run there, starting off very slow to be gentle to my body, but in the last quarter mile realizing that I should have gone harder. I met their adorable cat and they made me a passionfruit soda. after socializing for a couple hours, I walked home with my roommate and gave my friend a call.
this friend is the only mutual friend between my ex and I. she lives in chicago, so the last time I saw her was a couple months ago when I was visiting. we don't text much since she's busy with grad school, but I asked her if we could chat. I told her I had been thinking on what she said in our last conversation: that it seemed my ex and I were going through similar emotions right now. I asked her to elaborate on what that meant. and she said, to be honest, we haven't texted much lately, but to paraphrase and interpret her words, it seems the loss of her dad has transformed her completely. she's not the person she was in your relationship anymore, that person was taken away. she has to rewrite her place in the world, her connection to everyone and everything around her, how she communicates, what her needs are, etc. and it's too difficult to do that while figuring out how the relationship needs to change at the same time.
I started crying a lot just hearing her say that out loud. that makes a lot of sense, I said, and I guess it's part of what I assumed, too. but it's just so hard because she didn't actually say any of that to me. she said a lot of confusing and hurtful things instead, and then ghosted me. my feelings are so unresolved, but there's nowhere for them to go, either. I had trouble saying that in an eloquent way. I didn't think I would cry, I'm sorry. I thought this would only take thirty minutes to discuss. it's been five months and everything is still raw and unprocessed so it just comes out; I know so little. I feel stuck. I wish I knew when we could speak again.
my friend listened carefully. it's really hard. I'm sure she knows that you could hold her feelings, but she probably doesn't have capacity to do the same in return, so there's too much uncertainty for her to be comfortable yet. she's probably still focused on getting through each day. but you're doing a good job of taking care of yourself, like trying that restaurant job and running and eating.
you're being so affirming, I said.
she laughed. those things are really important, and it's so hard to do them when you're struggling, so you should be proud of that.
we said our goodbyes. I thanked her for her time and patience with me and said I loved her. I only do that with a couple friends—say I love you when we hang up. but I mean it.
it is nice that I have been running. and yes, I'm still eating breakfast every day, doing my laundry, and seeing friends. but no, I don't know "how" I have gathered the will to do any of this, and I don't really stop to be proud. habits, especially positive ones, are a fragile pact between the mind and body. I'm generally such an undisciplined person that being actually long-term committed to positive habits is a rarity, and I fear that even acknowledging its existence could end the spell. after all, it takes thirty days to build a habit, and a moment to break one. in times of desperation, though, routine is all I have: wake up, eat breakfast, go to work, come home, cook, watch tv. on saturdays, run. on days that I have time, write. doing anything else represents a blankness, and I'm not ready for that. I would rather run than think about what I would do with myself if I didn't.
I can take a moment to be proud though, sure. my roommate jokingly said running is a cry for help, and I laughed and said, oh, it absolutely is.