#56 | sometimes
I ordered a dumbphone early last year and after a long series of tariff-induced delays, it arrived last fall. Due to my breakup though, I delayed using it because I really badly needed the connection of my friends. My life has finally stabilized enough for me to feel comfortable disconnecting from the world. I've been reflecting a lot on my purpose and goals and I thought that being less online would help with being more meditative and present.
I got a cheap 6-month mint mobile plan as a brief test, so I could keep my smartphone and figure out what setup would work best for my life: switching to a dumbphone entirely, using both, or sticking with a smartphone forever. My initial attempt has been to use my smartphone during the week and my dumbphone on the weekend.
A couple Saturdays ago, I took the leap. I left my smartphone at home with an auto-reply message that gave people my new number for any urgent needs and then got on the bus for dinner. I hadn't set up any music, and I forgot my book at home, so I wound up calling friends and catching up on our weeks. Sometimes, I just stared out the window. My friend and I said we would meet at the corner of the park and we found each other with ease, eating pasta and then going dancing. The entire evening was exhilaratingly quiet. That's how I feel so far every time I leave my smartphone at home. That and how relaxed my eyes feel.
There have been a few stumbles here and there, but no complete surprises. I have to take my commuter card with me for the subway since I can't tap-to-pay, I saved some taxi/uber dispatch phone numbers so my friends don't need to help me get home after a long night, and I try to always have a book on me now. I'm very happy with it so far! As someone who has had a smartphone since they were 13, I've had to take a long journey to rid myself of phone/internet addiction. It took me a solid year to wean off of social media (and the help of a few tools/apps) and build up to comfortably making the switch. But every time I can unplug, it's like letting out a huge sigh of relief.
I'm still really struggling with the idea of purpose!! Life remains a massive vaccuum of nothingness, and I lack fulfillment. The only things that make me feel any better lately are watching movies, going on runs and walks, and writing. I want to sign myself up for something artistic or community-oriented, like a class, but the amount of energy in my body still waxes and wanes at random, and I don't trust myself to follow through on commitments. I hate this feeling of being stuck and waiting for time to pass, but I lack the energy for anything more.
Yesterday my friend and I went to williamsburg to find her friend a baby shower gift, and because of the warm spring weather, everywhere was SO packed! Tourists moving slowly, locals out to brunch, but above all, everyone on narrow brooklyn sidewalks. Still, we had fun. We ate lunch outside, found a gift, bought ourselves copies of On the Calculation of Volume to help us stay in touch, and then caught the bus and made our way to flushing. As the bus struggled through traffic, my friend listened to music and closed her eyes while I stared out the window at all the people shopping, smiling, and meandering.
I started to cry. The happiness of strangers reminded me of countless times I had walked with my ex around north brooklyn on a saturday, holding a coffee and linking my arm through hers. But some of them must have been pretending, just like I am now. How many of them were also nursing broken hearts—from death or love or something in-between—and spending their days feigning normalcy in hopes that one day it becomes the truth? Perhaps all of them. But I don't think that one day ever comes, really. Healing yourself from the wounds of life seems like a project that never ends. Some moments are good, some feel like complete messes. One day I'll die, and in that moment I hope to feel like I did the best I could.