#58 | eyes eyes eyes
she still has some items that belong to me—at least, I think she does. they could be in a landfill or a secondhand shop by now. more likely they are in a box at the back of her closet. a swimsuit, a shirt, a favorite bra, a leather jacket. last wednesday I finally worked up the guts to make it known via email that I would like them back soon. I mean, I want to swim in something that isn't biker shorts! it's summer!
it felt good to be honest about my needs, regardless of whether they'll be fulfilled. my therapist and friends have said that reaching out is only a good idea if my heart is prepared for whatever comes back from the void. it is. I added a quick line about wanting to catch up if she feels up for it and hit send and walked away from the computer, fully aware that she was traveling and might never respond.
I've tried to avoid doing drugs when I'm emotional and for the most part have succeeded, but in the days after hitting send, I took an eraser to the brain and smudged it. my friend and I smoked weed in bryant park after work and watched a gay horror movie. the next day, I went to an ambient music show with another friend and got high, again, on the rooftop. on friday, I went to see my friend working at our favorite nightclub and smoked with him in the backyard and danced.
it hasn't all been about weed though. it's been about music and staying in motion, saying yes yes yes. when I took that stupid restaurant job in february, I desperately needed to be tired. the same is true now, but instead of laboring and crying in bed, I am at leisure. I have the energy to push myself out the door to be in queer company and release emotions through movement and be present. my friends arrived at another club so I took a car to meet them in line, where we got stuck for three fucking hours behind metal barricades, claustrophobic and anxious and sweaty as people behind us kept pushing in, desperate to get inside. I didn't go home, though I really should have, though more sensible people around us gave up in droves. I stayed because I like that dj and because my friends and I were delirious from sleep deprivation and it made everything funny and stupid.
when we finally got inside, it smelled like 4-mmc and I rolled my eyes. the dj was playing a hard techno set to fit with the club’s vibe which is not to my taste, but I stayed anyway and ran into my friend's ex whom I hadn't seen in three years! we had a warm conversation and went back to dance. when the set ended, my friends and I went outside as the sun was rising and I watched them smoke skinny french cigarettes. we stopped by a diner before going our separate ways. they had a spare ticket for an outdoor concert in upstate new york if I wanted it; they could pick me up in five hours. okay... yes!
after what qualifies more as a nap and picking up twenty dollars of fruit, I got into my friend's car. we had a beautiful picnic with great sandwiches and music and then I took the metro-north home as our car-owning friend continued up to boston to meet with her future grad school profs. K and I spoke the whole ride home talking about our previous relationships and interests and lives. her gentleness reminded me of my ex, but she was more intense and less whimsical; she didn't shy away from eye contact or difficult topics though I could feel that we were both still hurting a little inside. I liked that, but it felt strange, wrong. the metro-north is a liminal yet romantic space. I kept playing with my hair and almost wanted to hold her hand, except she's a friend of a friend and I'm not in a place to commit to anything. I don't want to act impulsively and create a messy situation—that isn't the type of distraction I need. when the train pulled into grand central, I walked 17 blocks for my transfer, took a long hot shower, and promptly slept for 12 hours.
I've been deepening and creating new friendships with other lesbians/sapphics, in particular queer asian ones. it's a community I didn't really have before and one that I knew I needed after the breakup but did not have the capacity to cultivate, until recently. they make me feel so seen and happy.
the timing of this coincides with my increased ability to consider attraction to other people. cutting my hair short and getting my style in order seems to ward men away while drawing women closer. it's happened a few times now: I feel eyes asking for reciprocation. but I'm always afraid. it's not that I'm trying to stay pure for my ex—I’m not naive enough to think that that would matter— but rather a mixture of her being stuck in my head and a lack of confidence.
these moments are so fleeting and seizing them is a skill I have not trained. a month ago, I was dancing at an outdoor rave and could feel the gaze of the person right next to me, but being insecure held me back; I didn't really believe that a stranger would be into me until my friend later verified her glances, and when I searched for her again in the crowd, she was gone.
a few weeks ago, I was crossed at a nightclub and someone asked me to dance. she held my gaze and looked at my lips. I said yes but didn't kiss or touch or even look at her because my head was pounding with thoughts of my ex, so she returned to her circle of friends. it was embarrassing but funny.
in mexico city, I felt someone across the room. she and her friend were the only other asian people in the bar, looking looking looking at me. I was too mezcal-drunk to even think about doing anything and later cried about my ex and threw up.
yesterday, after my long sleep, I went to a daytime party, and again—eyes. I was solo and more empowered, so I finally read her gesture and returned the glances. later, she introduced herself to me on the rooftop with the confidence of someone older and looked long and deeply into me. I think I've seen you around before, she said. I couldn't hold her gaze. nope. I'm not who you think I am, I wanted to say. I'm sorry. the reason I'm here is because I'm broken. we chatted casually with her friends and shortly after returning to the dance floor they went home and hugged me goodbye. I said I would see them around.
my roommate says I am really giving nothing to people, and unfortunately it's true. but I'm trying to understand why. sure, I'm not over my ex; I'm emotionally unavailable. but not everyone is looking for love—some people just want to kiss, too. but before I kiss someone, shouldn't they know that I'm not looking for anything? I ought to hand them a contract with disclaimers before we do that, no? lol. I would hate to lead someone on.
I told some friends about this predicament and they said it was a "green flag" about me, but sometimes I feel like I'm depriving myself of something I want: touch. apps have less room for miscommunication in this case. goals and mutual attraction are clear from the beginning of a conversation, and texting is less intimidating for a first interaction. I see the appeal, but I never want to use a dating app again. I would much rather figure out this problem on my own by finding the confidence to clearly and succinctly communicate in the moment, or at the very least read when someone doesn't give a shit and just wants me. people don’t go to the club expecting to find the love of their life, so I don't need to provide that. I would like to hold and kiss someone and be held and kissed, but god, I'm such a scared little dork, and I still miss my ex so much. what's wrong with me? nothing at all, and everything at once.